To the wokist:
“The universe managed for fourteen billion years without consulting your identity; it seems unlikely that existence was designed around it.”
To the nationalist:
“It is touching that you love your country; geography, however, remains unaware of your achievement in being born there.”
To the ancestral patriot:
“Your ancestors accomplished remarkable things; modesty might be your opportunity to contribute.”
To the billionaire:
“Congratulations on winning capitalism; mortality has unfortunately declined to recognise the leaderboard.”
To the celebrity:
“Being recognised by millions is an extraordinary achievement; the universe remains regrettably unfamiliar with your work.”
To the ideologue:
“Your certainty is impressive; reality has survived considerably greater confidence.”
To the religious absolutist:
“An infinite God seems an unnecessarily large authority to recruit in support of your personal opinions.”
To the intellectual:
“Knowing more than everyone in the room is useful, provided the room is large enough to contain what you don’t know.”
To the expert:
“Expertise is knowing a great deal about very little; wisdom begins with noticing how much remains.”
To the politician:
“History is full of indispensable leaders; remarkably, it continued after every one of them.”
To the revolutionary:
“Replacing everyone who knows they are right with different people who know they are right is not generally called progress.”
To the authoritarian:
“Your obedience from others must feel reassuring; gravity manages universal compliance without issuing a single decree.”
To the technocrat:
“The spreadsheet is flawless; regrettably, reality has once again failed to read it.”
To the conspiracy addict:
“The comforting thing about believing everything is connected is never having to consider that you might simply be wrong.”
To the activist:
“Changing the world is an admirable ambition; discovering that it existed before your diagnosis may be a useful first step.”
To the moral exhibitionist:
“Virtue becomes rather less impressive when it requires an audience.”
To the human supremacist:
“A species that has occupied one planet for an instant and is already destroying its habitat might postpone declaring itself the pinnacle of creation.”
To the protectionist:
“Murdering innocent life in self-defence—even the universe hesitates to call that evolution.”
To the generation that will save the world:
“Every generation has believed history was waiting for it; history has displayed remarkable patience.”
And to the author:
“By all means speak your mind; just remember that the universe managed fourteen billion years without asking for your opinion.”
In the Year of the Universe, 13,800,000,000 BC
